many things Treto

Everyday I think of how therapeutic it will be for me to start blogging again. I am a thinker. I am a writer. Writing what I have been contemplating helps me heal, and grow, and such. But for some reason I have it in my mind that I must clear a specific block of time in order to do this. It has kept me from starting. So here I stand, typing on my laptop as it sits atop my dresser. I have 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded (no exaggeration) on my bed, and my left wrist already feels as though I may acquire carpal tunnel in the next 5 minutes, and yet I write...

Warning: I am listening to my playlist as I write this. This means there is a good possibility I will lose my train of thought... often!

I have so much to say. Why say it "publicly"? I've never been a very private person. But since I chose to leave my former religion and have had some VERY negative experiences with church members, I have become very guarded. Possibly to my detriment. I am now trying to heal from such negative experiences. Anyways...

The Divorce:
Ed and I filed for divorce 2 days shy of our 9 year anniversary. It was quite possibly the world's fastest divorce. It was final in 10 days. Unbelievable... But then again, we weren't fighting about anything. This made the process that much easier. I can attribute much of that to the many, many months of counseling we had. Here's a little bit of information for you: No one (well maybe some people) gets married and plans on getting divorced. For a while I couldn't stomach it when people would say they were sorry. Of course I know it is for the best (in the long run), so why couldn't everyone else accept that? A few different reasons I suppose.

1. People care. (Thank you!)
2. We seemed like the last couple who would ever split. (You NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors.)
3. Culturally, it's just not cool to be divorced.
4. The list could go on and on...

The point is: Now when someone says sorry, I can say, "Me too." After MONTHS of running from the pain, I have finally begun to deal with this monster, emotionally.

Band-Aids:
I spent a LONG TIME running from the reality of my situation. Many, many months. I used band-aids on a regular basis. Excessive studying, alcohol, leaving the house often, to mention a few of a my band-aids. Then Ed got a job in Cali and I had 3 days to deal with his departure. First you must understand this was not part of the deal. We promised the girls not much would change. We promised them we would continue to have family dinner 3 to 4 times a week. So far we had kept our promise of remaining friends, and not fighting. I think that is why the girls have dealt so well with all this. Well Ed's move turned all our plans upside down. But I am so happy for him. He deserves happiness and support. He will get this from his family. Something I feel I have robbed him of for the past 9 years... Oops, I digress... Well the night before Ed left I went downstairs to say "goodbye". I apologized. I really am sorry that things aren't the way we first planned. I really am sorry that things changed, and that I've changed. And then I admitted something huge: ED WAS MY BIGGEST BAND-AID! It was amazing for me to admit this. All the running away, and self-numbing I have done, was because his presence allowed it. He enabled me.

Two days earlier:
My sister Tina called me on Saturday (May 15th) morning to see how I was doing. She asked me many deeper questions about how I was going to deal with life, and what the hell I am going to do. I gave her my typical response, "I can't deal with this right now." (I really was extremely busy.) And with despair and concern in her voice she said, "You keep saying that! I am really worried about you. You keep saying you can't deal with it." Then it hit me. And I cried. And cried. And talked. I told her all my fears, through my sobs. I talked, and cried, until my phone battery ran low. Then I plugged it in and talked, and cried, some more. She opened the gate for me. I finally let myself begin to deal with reality, fear, hope, and uncertainty. I finally allowed myself to mourn the loss of what I had been working on for almost nine years. To Tina: There are no words suitable to convey my feelings for you. To all my immediate family: Your perfect support never ceases to amaze me.

Telling Ed good-bye:
Ed is one of the most amazing human beings I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. Although my recent behavior has not proved me worthy of his trust, he trusts me to do what is right for our girls. It is very important to note: I could not have made this switch without Tina's help in allowing myself to begin to deal, and heal. Have you ever heard of Missy Higgins? Well she sings a song that almost perfectly conveys my feelings for Ed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADV4Orr9r-o

Here I stand:
My left hand is screaming at me now. Ugh! So here I stand. Still mourning, still grieving. But more importantly, still living.

The biggest concern- The girls:
The girls are doing amazingly well, all things considered. They have been without Ed in the house for over a week now. Of course they speak frequently, but it's not the same. They went from seeing him EVERYDAY (more hours a day than they saw me), to now only seeing him over the summer and holidays. It definitely helps that I have switched back to being a full-time-stay-at-home-mom. For those of you who have only known me in the past year or so (or may have met me in a bar), this is one of my happiest roles. It is also a role I play extremely well. I love being a mother to my daughters. I love being home with them. In many ways, being home with them (constantly) for the past little while has drudged up some old, unhealed, wounds I have from when this used to be my main job, and it was "taken" away from me. More stuff for me to deal with... The girls love having me all to themselves. (I think. I hope... I KNOW!) I am pretty damn selfish about my time with them. And I LOVE it! Back to the subject... The girls are going to be okay. Yes, this is painful. Yes, they have healing to do. No, it's not fair. No, it's not what any of us planned. But they will make it through. In the end, everything will be as it should. Our girls deserve to have happy parents. The reality of our situation is that in order to be happy, their parents cannot be married to each other. They will get through this. They are greatly loved. (Spoiled little boogers, too.)

I think I'm finally done for now:
My mind is still exploding with many thoughts, but it feels so good to get a lot of this out. For those of you who made it to the end of this post: KUDOS! What a feat! In many ways, part of the therapy I get from writing this out, is also knowing that I am becoming myself again. Opening up, and being myself without fear of others opinions. I have been hurt so much by old church friends (people I loved, and I thought loved me) that I stopped being the open, optimistic, person I have always been. I was only open about the rebellious part of me, because I wanted people to see that I am different. The truth is, I am still the same person. I may have different beliefs than when some of us first became friends, but I am still a human being. I hope this insanely long post helps you see where I am coming from. I do not expect you to understand everything, but I do hope that you would take a moment to see things from MY perspective (an emic view). Do not judge me based on your beliefs. Just be my friend.

Thank you for your support!